M HJuly 2026
★★★★★Google
I booked a private sunset boat tour with Simon expecting four pleasant hours on the Oslofjord. What I received instead was a complete reevaluation of my standards for both humanity and watercraft. Simon pilots a boat with the effortless confidence of a Viking who has accepted LinkedIn into his life but not his heart. We rocketed across the fjord at speeds that made nearby seagulls briefly question their career choices, then slowed to a peaceful glide through quiet coves and islands so picturesque that I’m reasonably certain Norway hired a full-time team to arrange them. We hopped ashore to wander tiny islands, collected seashells like particularly enthusiastic pirates, and somehow found ourselves eating chocolate and fresh strawberries while watching the sunset. At one point I looked around and concluded that if this wasn’t a tourism advertisement, then tourism advertisements had been underselling Norway for decades. Simon wasn’t just a captain. He was historian, comedian, photographer, local ambassador, and—judging from his ability to appear exactly where the light was perfect—possibly in a long-term business relationship with the sun itself. We smiled the entire trip. I laughed until my face hurt. The fjord sparkled. The boat purred. The strawberries tasted like they’d been negotiated directly with nature. If you’re debating whether to book this experience, stop debating. Cancel whatever else you had planned. Reschedule your wedding if necessary. This four-hour sunset cruise was the undisputed highlight of our time in Oslo. Five stars feels inadequate. I’d give it six, but Norway probably has a regulation about exceeding the legal maximum beauty per evening.